Things Men Wear That Terrify My Lady Parts

Sport coat with jeans and a t-shirt.

“Excuse me sir, I didn’t mean to interrupt your intense Bluetooth conversation, but I wanted to tell you, I saw you drop your stylus as you got out of your Miata in the handicap parking space.”

Hats with the stickers still on.

If you go around trying to prove you can afford an “official” hat, your self-esteem is probably dookie.


Men of the 21st century, please, please stop. You are not some handsome Mad Men character, you are a tool who probably likes to argue about everything and thinks he has dance moves.

Silk Flame Shirt.

Ok, Guy Fieri, put down that Rohypnol and go back to your Smash Mouth concert.

Unnecessary Vests.

If a guy can rock one of these and not look like a tool, props. For the majority, stop trying so hard.

Super Puffy Skateboard Shoes.

Makes me think of a few different things: meth, cat-calling, wife beaters, and rap rock.

Grossly over trendy/hipster gear.

Don’t let any illusion of depth fool you, these people probably care more about their Instagram over any “lame” world hunger crisis or personal relationships. There’s also a likelihood that they weren’t loved enough as a child and need someone to give them attention.

Fingerless Gloves.

You probably hang out at the mall.

Super Tight Brand Tee.

Super tight shirts aren’t really as attractive as you think, especially when you’re decked out in brand name shirts and smell like a gallon of cologne with fake tan sweat rolling off your bicep.

Puka Shells.

“Hey brah, you hear of any sick keggers tonight?”

Swag anything.

Need I say more?

Big stupid belt buckle.

Just get over it, you have a small penis.


My friends and I have a saying, “never trust a man with rings.” Unless you are a prominent member of the illegal drug industry and/or a fuzzy old Italian man, please stop.

Fishnet Shirts.

Sure, there’s girls that are really into this, just like there are people into adult babies.


Dad? Dad is that you?

Glasses with no lenses.

If you’re wearing glasses and you don’t have a vision problem, you would probably jump off the bridge too.

Chain Wallet.

Are you trying to be a hard ass or something? Did they kick you out of the 90’s?