I’ve always had a morbid fascination for terrible music. Whereas some people avoid the soundtrack to their nightmares, you can commonly – and shamelessly – find entire spins of the Nickelback discography on my Spotify activity feed. And I actually hate them.
Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Maybe I’m completely sadistic. Or maybe I’m just one of those people that see art where most people see a vast wasteland. Whatever it is, I’ve been careful to slow down anytime I pass one of these traffic accidents.
But you know what truly enhances the experience of a terrible song? An even worse accompanying music video. The worst music videos have the ability to set the worst music to soaring new heights. And so,
These are some of the worst music videos. Ever.
FINAL PLACEMENT – SHINE
(EDIT: They keep trying to take this video off youtube, so if it doesn’t work try it here)
Final Placement is fronted by an audibly tone deaf young man with a good sense for irony, as evident from the fashionable tie he’s sporting within the blue collar construction warehouse I have no doubt his dad actually works at. These poor kids are like every crappy band you made middle school thru high school, but unlike most of you, they kept telling themselves, “Hey, we should keep doing this.”
And it’s no wonder the boys of Final P selected this construction warehouse as their choice of venues for the shoot — I think subconsciously they knew they were building a legacy. According to Final Placement lore, this video was officially released by the band but soon taken down when it started to really harness the concentrated anonymous hatred that makes the Internet run. Unfortunately the boys from Final Placement could not chorus line their way out of terrible music history. The video is readily available if you know where to look for it.
I would describe their musical style as a deaf teenager crooning over a bunch of dying Squier Stratocasters that were left in some guy’s musky garage for months and never bothered to be tuned again.
1:34 : A slightly literal representation of a train that is however not “running off the tracks”.
2:13 : Maybe the worst guitar solo of all time. Sounds like he’s trying to break a string.
2:20 : Stonehenge?
NICKELBACK – TRYING NOT TO LOVE YOU
While the video for Trying Not To Love You seems like some delirious fever dream, or even some cryptic symbolic code — Jason Alexander as a horny barista + Nickelback. What could it mean? — it’s more realistically something entirely worse. I interpret this head scratching affair as Nickelback’s version of comedy.
Which is painful. Oh so painful. It’s like having your day interrupted by someone who is about as funny as a slab of drywall in order to tell you a ‘humorous anecdote’.
Virtually none. This entire video sucks so hard. I’m sorry if you watched it.
JAN TERRI – LOSING YOU
I must confess I actually find Jan Terri incredibly endearing. It’s like watching my grandmother before she became totally senile star in a music video she maybe won a contest for. It’s a shame the viral community is more concerned about her physical appearance than how amazing her contribution to terrible music truly is.
This video has more questions than answers. Who is Jan losing? Why must these kindred spirits be separated? Why is Jan zipping around on a motorcycle if she has a personal fucking limousine? I’m not convinced these questions will ever be answered.
Fun fact: Jan Terri is such a spectacle that Marilyn Manson personally selected her as an opening act for some of his parties.
0:51 : Jan stares longingly out the window while contending with problematic gas.
2:00 : Jan waves to nobody.
2:33 : Some bricks.
ZLAD! – ELEKTRONIC SUPERSONIK
I think what makes this video so confusing is it’s clearly from the future, a time and space so far removed from our own that the people there think the effect that happened when Internet Explorer froze is incredibly stylish. It’s hard to watch this video without questioning if the artist was full of shit. How could this not be a joke? When I watch this music video I can’t help but wonder if Zlad! is putting together an intentionally awful Borat inspired music video or what. But I want to believe.
The lyrics are particularly egregious if you can make it past the broken English and thick accent, “I put my port plug in your socket“. Sometimes I worry the woman in this video was somehow lead to believe this would essentially become her ‘big break’ and hope she’s doing all right.
Don’t worry, you won’t miss anything. They’ll just drag it across the screen.
BLACK OUT BAND – VIDEO GAMES
I find this video to be the most obnoxiously terrible of the bunch. It’s like listening to the whiny little brother I never had or wanted and his diabetic buddies from school complain to me through music about school. You wouldn’t be writing and performing music in a collaborative environment if you were truly that lazy.
You don’t want to go to school? Fuck you Black Out Band. I pay taxes.
0:07 : HUH!
1:05 : Who walks like that?
2:22 : Plot twist — The teacher loves video games!
ZACHARY FREIMAN – I’M ZACK
This music video easily packs the most cringe per second. I’m not entirely sure who Zack is but A) He’s here B) He’s making mildly bold statements and C) He is Zack. Making a terrible music video in honor of your Bar Mitzvah might be the quickest way to transition into adulthood. Just think about the lifetime of regret awaiting you once someone inevitably posts it on the Internet. That’s like taking a shortcut to your mid-life crisis.
One of our regular writers here at Modern Thrill actually made a remix of this.
0:11 : Jewjewzelas.
0:33 : Werewolf hands.
1:46 : Pretty sure Zack is really indirectly coming out of the closet here and I actually commend that.
JOSHUA MICHAEL AND REALM 1-11 – THE HUNGER
This terrible music video opens like an old episode of Unsolved Mysteries. I make this comparison because by the end of the video virtually no one can explain what the fuck happened. I’m fairly convinced Joshua Michael wrote The Hunger after that crazy time his girlfriend broke up with him for being too clingy so he took acid in an Egyptian pyramid.
The budget on this video appears startlingly high for something so wretched.
1:05 : Generic white businessman has little remorse for Joshua despite hitting him with his car.
1:22 : Side ass
1:38 : An Egyptian god summons Joshua to the Monster Mash