The Food Network’s Worst Programming

The Food Network has gained significant popularity in the past decade. The whole “foodie” demographic has burgeoned with people taking pictures of their food and blasting them on Instagram every chance they get.

There is some food programming that I do enjoy watching but incidentally most of that is on the “Travel” channel. Bizarre Food and the now-dead No Reservations are both solid shows. However, The Food Network is best known for churning out some of the most scripted and miserable programming centered around food.

Here are the worst shows.

Take Home Chef

The premise of this show is pretty boy Aussie Curtis Stone approaches unsuspecting women in the grocery store and asks if he can come to their home to cook for their family. Stone is genuinely creepy and the show is incredibly staged, the women always act surprised that this guy is on a TV show, like they don’t notice the fucking camera crew surrounding him.

After he is in their homes he usually vehemently hits on the women and cooks some of the most simplistic crap. Seriously, the guy will grill a sausage for these people.

Finally, the woman’s husband comes home and feigns exuberance when I guarantee he is probably thinking, “What the fuck is the gorgeous foreigner doing in my house. I just worked a 10-hour shift. I just want a beer.”

This literally looks like the beginning of a porno.

Diner, Drive In’s and Dives

Ever since Guy Fieri won Next Food Network Star he has hosted this miserable excuse for television. In theory, the concept is awesome but once you throw in Fieri’s beet red face, rayon flame encrusted button ups, and bleached tips you get a steaming pile of douche soup.

Often times Fieri will verbally berate legitimate chefs and restaurants as well as cum his pants every time he eats a pile of meat. Additionally, Fieri  plugs his awful restaurants, one which was recently eviscerated by the New York Times.

One of Fieri’s restaurants is affectionately called Tex Wasabi’s and offers “gringo sushi” which is sushi but without the raw fish. One such sushi roll is filled with pulled pork, avocado, and french fries. Sushi Chefs everywhere are committing seppuku.

Food Court Wars

This show just launched on July 7th and is the epitome of stupid competitions.

Each week two teams compete for the incredible prize of owning their own food court restaurant in a mall. Could the stakes be any lower?

The worst part is that the teams competing and the show’s host Tyler Florence treat this like they are going to win the lottery. Not to sound like a spoiled suburban white kid, but why don’t these people just find some investors and start their own restaurant in a food court? It can’t be that expensive to rent a space next to a Hot Dog on a Stick.

Mystery Diners

This show makes this list because it is completely faked.

I actually have a good friend who was one of the “mystery diners” for the first season. I won’t reveal his name as I’m sure he’s under some draconian Food Network contract but basically the show tells their audience that they send in actors to act as waiters and diners to evaluate the restaurant.

What they don’t tell viewers is that they also send in actors to act as bad waiters to give the show more drama. In one episode a new hire can be seen drinking alcohol on the job and hitting on patrons. My buddy told me that she was also an actress hired for the show.

Additionally, in the same episode the owner apparently got drunk the night before the big reveal and told all his employees about the show. So the next day the employees had to feign surprise when they were told “You’re on TV!”