1. The Michael Jordan
“Just do it.”
Once in every great while there’s a freak of nature, shattering the ceiling of natural talent. There’s at least one amongst your group of friends. This rare breed is incidentally the worst type to smash against, rendering any match void of any possible enjoyment. Each game request on their behalf is an invitation to stress out for seven minutes while questioning what you ever saw in Kirby to begin with. The most insulting part is this person never appears to exert themselves while handing you your own ass.
2. The Ghost
It’s usually impossible to tell this person was ever playing. The ghost is so adept at fading into the background they function as more pedestrian than opponent. Why did they just throw that Poké Ball toward no one in particular off the ledge? Nobody knows. A speechless pacifist, the ghost is perfectly content with exploring the map rather than engaging in player contact. Without fail, this player is equipped with a glossy blank stare at all times.
3. The Party Animal
A round of Smash is the perfect opportunity for this type of player to appease their appetite for alcohol and gambling. The party animal is only content when a game designed for young children incorporates adult consequences, failing to see any real purpose to socially gaming beyond achieving a good buzz. Their excitement usually devolves into nursing a bottle of Jim Beam with the occasional bong rip.
4. The Hipster
“I only play the original.”
This is the worst type of Smash player, worse than the inexperienced girlfriend or even the “cool” dad — the type of smasher who just recently got into the game because “the graphics are like so bad it’s good.” The Hipster will usually play as either Ness or Jiggly Puff for their irony, not because they enjoy those character’s particular skill sets. “You would play as Yoshi,” is a sentence that you will hear a lot from a hipster smash player. They hoist their 64 on a pedestal at their parties just so passersby will be in awe of their awesome vintage system, not because they frequently use it. The hipster will usually play about two rounds of smash before — sure to quit enjoying the game as soon as everyone else starts to — generally beckoned off by a friend to play a cover of “Call Me Maybe” on a harpsichord.
5. The Facilitating Girlfriend/Inexperienced Bystander
“What are the buttons?”
This type of Smash player has zero desire to play or compete, only setting aside their Chipotle out of pure necessity for a fourth player. Attacking this player carries the same social stigma that pushing a disabled person down a flight of stairs carries. No one is less fazed by being an easy target than this player, more interested in standing in one place and commenting on their character’s ‘stupid’ outfit & accessories. They struggle most for a logical explanation on why everyone is fighting and how they got there.
6. Overly Competitive Guy
“You like my star rod, little bitch?”
This player takes the game way too seriously whether they’re winning or losing. Hurt feelings and broken friendships are on the line every time they get a controller in hand. This type of person gets so exasperated when losing you’d swear they were trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube strictly using their feet. Anyone capable of beating them is “cheap” and probably used “the same moves the whole time so whatever”. Consecutive losses will actually trigger this sociopath to unplug the N64 before the match is over and slam the controller down. Highly frustrated sexually.