I’m a smoker, a drinker and I’m doing the Insanity workout

The face of chiseled Satan

For the first 19 years of my life I was never too concerned about my health. I started smoking when I was about 16 and I always had a high-metabolism. Hell, I went into my freshman year of college at about 120 stones. I didn’t really care aboutgaining muscle because I could always kind of pull off that heroin-chic Renton from Trainspotting look. But over the past two years I went from having a fairly active lifestyle and job (bicycle delivery) to working in an office and sitting on my ass for 9 hours a day. One of those hours is spent shoveling reheated frozen pizza down my face while sipping on a Gatorade, which apparently is for exercise or something. I have slowly but surely gained a girth around my midsection and my face looks like well, this.

I decided that I needed to get in shape, not get healthy mind you, get in shape.  I was hanging out with another Modern Thrill contributor Sam and while we were significantly sloshed and we made the decision to start working out. So what did we decide on? Jogging? Push-ups? Cycling? Swimming? No, we thought it would be a great idea to begin the workout described as “the most extreme, most difficult, and most rewarding workout you will EVER try”; Shaun T’s Insanity Workout. If you have ever stayed up past 2 a.m. watching sports bloopers chances are you have seen an infomercial in which Shaun T, a large gay black man, screams at you through the screen to “Dig Deeper” (sounds like my Saturday night, amiright boys?) Insanity focuses on an exercise system known as max-interval training, basically you work your ass off for a period of two-minutes and then you get a 30-second break. It’s absolute hell for anybody whose main exercise for the past two years has been carrying pints from the bar to the table.

Here’s the deal about Sam and I, we are both nearly a pack a day smokers and we spend our Sundays making this statement, “I can’t believe we partied so hard.” Tyler, yet another MT contributor, once commented on this weekly occurrence by saying, “I can’t BELIEVE we did the exact same thing we do every weekend.” So, when we finally did decide to embark on our exercise adventure we had no clue how difficult it would  be. On day 1 we did the “Fit Test” a 25-minute workout video that is by far the most tame of all the videos. Sam and I were wheezing like a purple Pokemon, I vomited a gallon of water, and I swore that I would never drink again; at least until the weekend.  By the way Sam and I are doing Insanity with a girl who is in much better shape than the two of us, so while Sam and I are calling ourselves “little bitches” this girl is completely schooling us.

I didn’t think that I would continue to do insanity past day 2 but here we are three weeks later and we are still pushing through or at least trying to. I thought that it would get easier after the first week but it seems that this will always be the just as awful as it was the first time we tried it. Here is an average day for me during the insanity work out.

8 a.m– Wake up for work

9 a.m. to 6 p.m.- Sit at desk, work, and eat junk food.

6:30 p.m.- Arrive home and lay on couch

7:00 p.m.- Lift myself up off the couch and try to find any activity to avoid working out. (This usually involves me yelling at my roommate’s cat)

7:15 p.m.-Finally pull the video up off the internet (I’m a pirate)

7:15-8 p.m.– Groan like a wildebeest in heat and question why I ever let myself get so out of shape.

8 – 8:30 p.m.- Lie on the sweat soaked carpet while the aforementioned cat attacks my lifeless body

8:30-8:45 p.m.– Sit down in the shower

8:45- 9 p.m.– Try to choke down a cigarette

9 – Whenever I pass out– Watch the X-files with my hand down the front of my pants until I eventually succumb to Fox Mulder’s soothing voice and pass out on the couch.

Rinse and Repeat

If it doesn’t sound very glamorous it’s because it isn’t but I have seen some improvements in my body and overall demeanor since starting Shaun T’s Insanity. My face doesn’t look like I have been Keith Richard’s heroin sampler for the past ten years and the floppy beer belly that jiggled like a jello has been reduced to a manageable paunch. I plan to finish the entire 60-day workout but the real test will be what we do after the 60 days are over. Sam and I have plans to start a different, less intense work out plan. But in all honesty I’m sure we will jog for about a week before we just go back to shotgunning bean and cheese burritos and drinking milk stouts like their water. Then sometime next April I’ll take my shirt off for the first swimming session of summer and decide once more- we should probably start working out, and the vicious cycle perpetuates itself.  Fuck you body.

Here are some highlights from the Insanity videos.