Dear Michael Jason,
The dating world is a human cesspool–It’s Terrifying, I know.
I sometimes got those occasional twinges of desperation too–that if I didn’t do something different, I’d doom myself to a life of crossword puzzles and talking to dogs like people. While the notion of spinsterhood is a laughable concept to me, the fear of never finding the right partner has always felt hard to shake off.
Then, while scrolling through my Facebook the other day, your face popped up and pierced my heart like a corroded javelin from the bowels of hell. “Drama-Free Ladies Only!” It read. “Bachelor & Business Owner seeking his match. You, or maybe one of your single friends?”
From your charming preface of “drama-free ladies only” to the mention of your business, I instantly wanted to wrap my hands around my laptop and chuck it out the window.
As if I don’t already get enough of Facebook bombarding me with ads for makeup, diet products, McDonald’s, and credit card offers–I now have to feel like I’m a target for some slimeball neanderthal looking to fulfill his damaged mommy complex and play with his ever-shriveling boner.
There is hardly anything honest about someone who uses a significant amount of money to pander to the many women of Facebook mentioning his wealth and preference for women who don’t gossip; you’re Johnny Bravo, guey.
I know you have probably elicited a large response by similarly desperate singles, but that doesn’t make you any less of a desperate creep. Finding a partner isn’t a walk in the park, and while you’re probably “tired of the bar scene” and done with online dating–that doesn’t mean you should just go balls deep into this whole internet weirdo thing. Even if you’re just looking for a good poke, there’s sites for that, there are places you can go, or even people you can pay–I’m just tired of seeing your sorry ass allover my news feed.
Always and never,
The girl you creeped out