How to Embarrass Yourself at a Wedding

What transpires throughout this picturesque legal contract of love will surely live on as the best day in the lives of two people, but another glass of champagne has you thinking, Why not three?

In order to thoroughly embarrass yourself, garnering the brand of shame close friends and relatives will reference for years to come, you’ll want to take full advantage of the open bar. The best mistakes happen with a little too much tequila.

Occasionally you’ll have to contend with a lousy bartender who actually takes his job seriously, refusing to serve you when you’re “visibly” (whatever that means) drunk. Don’t sweat it. Simply tell the bartender you’re doing a favor for the bride/groom by grabbing them a couple shots. After being served, settle down at an empty table and consume both shots while thousand-yard staring down the bartender. Repeat as necessary.

Time to liven the mood. Ask the type of person to dance that others will think is ‘just adorable!’, someone very young or very old. Grab their hand forcefully and drag them out to the floor at a pace they’re physically incapable of. Feel the music. Contort your body in impossible ways for your partner to reflect, something along the lines of having a seizure while signaling a plane where to land. With any luck, your violent convulsions will injure your partner enough to issue a large crowd to their aid. Continue dancing the Electric Slide without any regard for maximum effect.

Just when people are starting to get fed up with your antics, it’s time to crank things up. Get on stage and insist on joining the wedding band for a song. When they finally concede to your demands following an unsuccessful plea over the mic for someone to intervene, spend the next 40 minutes having someone teach you how to play drums.

The perfect contrast to having an unmistakable presence is disappearing completely. Pass out in a bathroom with the door locked for enough hours to raise serious concern over whether or not you’re alive. As an added bonus, people not trying to use the bathroom will probably go out looking for you in the surrounding area. The only way you should be discovered is getting caught having sex with someone equally drunk as you. Return to the festivities as if you haven’t been a major cause of concern for the entire evening.

The perfect night of embarrassment ends with the perfect embarrassing impromptu toast. Fight off the people trying to sit you down as you cut off the best man during his speech, this is your time to shine. You’ll want to talk about what an awesome time you’re personally having, making sure to never mention the bride or groom whatsoever. Instead, talk about the delicious signature cocktails, the outstanding buffet or the exceptional selection of the DJ. Forget where you’re going with it and trail off.

When you raise your glass in the air for the toast, throw it. Confess something embarrassing, like how it would have been you up there marrying the bride if you sorted out your problem with alcohol years ago. Sit back down and fall asleep on the table, it’s time for dreams.

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