Decades of Tumultuous American Race Relations to Be Entirely Resolved by Celebrity Boxing Match

Rapper DMX vs George Zimmerman in Celebrity Boxing Match

celebrity boxing match
Civil rights activists celebrated in the streets after news broke that the long strained and highly complex racial relations in America would be entirely absolved thanks to rapper/actor DMX squaring off against acquitted George Zimmerman in a celebrity boxing match on March 1st.

DMX, known for hits like Ruff Ryders Anthem and Party Up (Up In Here), looks to honor Trayvon Martin’s memory through the more physical variety.

During press time, DMX told reporters he’s fighting on behalf of “every black person who has been done wrong in the system,” adding, “I am going to beat the living fuck out of him. I am breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I fuck him up right.”

Earl Simmons, or DMX, was hand selected from a sea of 15,000 other eager candidates to face George Zimmerman in the ring. With history calling, Simmons is poised to follow in the footsteps of many other significant black activists including Frederick Douglas, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Maya Angelou.

Earlier this week, American civil rights activist and Baptist minister Jesse Jackson, stood before a jubilant crowd gathered along the Washington Monument and proclaimed, “Wow, this is such a good idea. Right, you guys? I mean, seriously. What a great way to fix everything.”

Simmons opponent, the 30-year-old George Zimmerman, describes himself as a ‘boxing enthusiast’ who originally turned to the sport as a fun avenue for weight loss. No stranger to hooks and jabs, Zimmerman has been training for such a match ever since his earliest charge of domestic violence in 2005.

White people everywhere report looking forward to ‘You know, just … feeling safe again’.