The Art of Flirting…or Something

Here’s what I know about flirting:

When you’re 27 and you’re:
a) Somewhat gregarious
b) Moderately successful
c) Not a complete troll

You constantly think about three things:
1) Getting drunk
2) Getting fucked
3) Getting to the next stage of your career.

With the order of importance varying each day of the week.

Now, two of those are pretty straightforward – if you want to get drunk: go to your favorite bar with some friends or sit at home alone with a few bottles of wine re-watching season one of House of Cards. If you want to get to the next stage of your career: work hard, play well with others, suck up to every superior and make your firm/organization as much money as possible.

But getting to the bedroom isn’t so easy. In fact, sometimes it’s hard to convince someone you’re attracted to, to temporarily give up on all logic and reason and let you fill them for an hour.

Flirting is the key; the segue between friendly banter and sneaking out the next morning.

People ask, “who should I even begin flirting with? There are tons of people at this bar.”
The answer is simple: target the person that looks like they are DTB (down to bang).

Flirting in itself can be challenging and is one of those experiences that should only be done drunk. “What do I do?” “Where do I put my hands?” “Should I be paying for their drinks?” However, I’m going to make it easy for you:

1) Be normal. You’d be surprised how far not being a fucking idiot gets you. Don’t tell jokes that are too risky, don’t be too complimentary, don’t be creepy. Just have a conversation, smile a lot and convey that you are having a really good time and that the person you’re trying to bone is the cause of it.

2) The conversation. Things can go from “this is awesome – I’m totally gonna fuck this person” to “wow, they are boring as shit…never will they get in my pants” with a horrible conversation. Ask questions and gauge what they like to talk about. Work, family, and friends are always easy topics. “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” “Where did you go to school” are all easy and safe questions that are guaranteed to lead to at least some common ground or interest. Play off of these and run with it. Next thing you know its three hours later and you’re the most interesting person alive.

3) Body language. This is the big one. For guys, stay smiling with your body towards her, close enough for intimacy so she knows what’s up but not so close that she thinks you might attack. Touch her arms, laugh, touch her face, buy her (and her friends) a drink, put your hand at the bottom of her back, just stand back and give her the look. For girls, just show off your tits.

Of course, none of this is ground-breaking, innovative, or new. However, it clearly must be iterated as people continue to strike out time and time again. If there’s one thing you should take from this, it should be: flirting can be both fun and painful…just like the sex you’ll have if you do it right.